She once hired a teenage neighbor to scrub the grout with a toothbrush and Ajax. This was effective but made both the teenager and the Damsel feel sad inside, and also a bit chlorinated. Let’s just say the Damsel has a lot of grout.

The Damsel spent lots of money on a fancy steam cleaner, and although she likes having it and uses it frequently, it didn’t solve the grout problem like she hoped.

She tried sealing the grout during one of its moments of cleanliness. While this has worked well for others, the tile nirvana didn’t occur at the Cottage. She could hardly tell a difference.

Once she had some pros in, who cleaned it with an oxygen process. This was lovely. And expensive.

Several times, the Damsel has considered staining the grout black and just get it over with.

Then, she heard about using toilet bowl cleaner on it. What a curious idea! She noticed that one of the main ingredients of her toilet bowl cleaner is muriatic acid, which has long been used as a stone and brick cleaner. Her grout is sort of like stone, in a way, since it is basically cement. So she decided to try it in a spot behind a door, just in case something exploded or dissolved the tile or some such.

She poured a little onto the line of grout and spread it with an old toothbrush. Yes! The toothbrush returns! But instead of scrubbing, she only spread it. Something chemical seemed to happen immediately–the grout looked lighter right away.

Ever hopeful, she let it sit a few minutes and then sponged it off. While the grout was wet, it still had the dark, dirty look. But once the grout dried, et voila:

(sad, dark grout below. happy, clean grout above. The grout is supposed to be a very light gray color)

After a couple of weeks, the grout still looks good. The Damsel is pleased. It took time, but NOTHING like the other knee-bruising methods she’s tried. She feels a little weird about using a strong chemical like this, but she made sure to have good ventilation and to thoroughly clean the chemical from the floor afterward. In the mopping-off process, some toilet bowl cleaner got on the tile itself, not just the grout, which cleaned it nicely as well.

A person could probably do this even faster by just mopping toilet bowl cleaner all over the whole floor and letting it sit, then thoroughly mopping off, but it would take a lot more chemical–costing more, obviously. Then there’s the thing about dumping a whole lot of strong chemical out on your floors.

The Damsel leaves the choice up to you.

The ammonia worked really well but the Damsel hated using it because of the smell. Oh, the smell. Like sticking your head in an old-school diaper pail. YUCK. And the Damsel would like to say to people who market ammonia as “lemon fresh scent” or some such: “LIES. NOTHING BUT LIES.”

At the Cottage By The Mountains, there is no yucky stove hood. Indeed there is no stove hood at all because of its type. But there are grills that sit on the stovetop, and there are a lot of messy children. Over the years, the Damsel has spent a great deal of time scrubbing those grills. It was super hard work, and even after a huge effort, the grills still didn’t look pristine.

As if anything looks pristine at the Cottage. Just keeping it real.

At one point the Damsel even asked her Knight if he would spray paint the grills (normally gray but covered with black grodies) with black high-temp engine paint. Seemed like a good idea at the time. He cruelly refused.

So she half-heartedly scrubbed the grills every few weeks, but never felt happy inside about it. Then she remembered her auntie, and learned about a special trick to do with ammonia.

Put the grills (or any item with baked-on grease that’s small enough) into a plastic bag. Pour in some ammonia…maybe a cup or so.  Close it tightly and let it sit overnight. The ammonia doesn’t have to cover the yucky parts. It’s the fumes–oh the fumes–that work the magic.

The Damsel has only tried this with stovetop grills, but she assumes that anything that wouldn’t be harmed by ammonia would be ok to do this on. (Remember to keep ammonia and bleach far far away from each other.)

The next day, the Damsel braced herself and opened the bag. Once the terrible stench was rinsed away, she started working on the grill. Now let us be clear. The crud didn’t just rinse off, but wow. Nearly all of it came off with VERY light scrubbing, and the few stubborn specks came off with comparatively little effort. The Damsel felt like skipping and singing.

The dream of actually having a nice looking stove suddenly seemed possible–a thing the Damsel didn’t think would happen in this lifetime.

This is her wish for you.

The Damsel once heard a famous cleaning expert speak. During the question and answer period, a worried wife asked him what was the first thing he noticed, as far as cleanliness goes, when he went over to someone’s house. He promptly replied, the windows. The Damsel is pretty sure the wife started crying at that point. It’s hard to say for sure because the Damsel was sobbing herself and it was hard to concentrate.

Why are windows the bane of our existence? Why?

Let the Damsel make one part easier: the cleaning solution.

As you may have heard, you can clean windows with an old-school mixture of vinegar and water. For some folks, this is all that needs be said. Cheapo vinegar, about 1/4 cup, per 2 cups water. Why pay for it to be blue?

However, some folks say this mixture leaves streaks. The Damsel puzzled over this. Why would some windows look beautiful with the vinegar stuff and others streak? One possible answer: if you’ve used commercial window cleaner for a long time, there is probably a wax-like buildup on your windows. The vinegar stuff is strong enough to loosen it but not enough to remove it, so you end up smearing the wax stuff around on your windows, making the dreaded streak.

If this sounds familiar, try adding a couple of drops of dish soap to your spray bottle. The soap will cut the wax, eliminating the streak. But, the Damsel insists that you restrict yourself to a couple of drops. More is not better. All you’ll do is trade wax streaks for soapy streaks.

Adding a bit of soap will also help take off grease splatters from kitchen windows. Some homemade window cleaner recipes include ammonia, and the Damsel suspects this is for its grease-cutting properties. But ammonia can damage some painted surfaces and coated glass. And the Damsel does NOT like the way it smells. Let’s just leave it at that.

Other recipes call for rubbing alcohol, probably because of its quick-drying properties. But it’s not as cheap as vinegar, so the Damsel prefers you try the Cheapo first and see how it goes. This is her wish.

Stay tuned for a post on the actual cleaning method.

Here are the most common reasons:

• You might cut yourself.
• The knife might cut the dishwasher’s plastic coating on the racks.
• The hot temperature might harm the handle, especially if it’s wooden.
• The dishwashing detergent might make a glob on the knife blade and cause it to pit.
• The knife might knock against other stuff in the dishwasher and get nicked.

Then the Don’t-Do-It people always say the thing about how very little time it takes to wash and put away a good knife, if you do it right after you use it. The Damsel will concede that point, but it has only small relevance in a household full of kids who don’t clean up after themselves. (The Damsel would like to point out that she’s talking about teenagers using these knives, not little kids. Don’t be hatin’.)

The thing the Damsel was looking for was solid evidence that dishwashing a good knife would damage the blade, or its ability to be sharpened/keep sharp. That’s the thing that matters to the Damsel. Some sources mentioned this but, really, it came up pretty rarely, and there was plenty of people voicing the opposite opinion…that they dishwash their knives all the time and can’t see any harm.

Rather, the opposing team said they felt their knives were getting extra sanitary by going through a dishwasher.

So. It seems there is no clear “cut” answer to the question. (The Damsel cracks herself up)

The Damsel would love to hear your opinion. Do you handwash your beauties, or live on the “edge” and put them in the dishwasher?

In the area where the Damsel lives, a key ingredient was removed from dishwasher detergent. Phosphorus has long been included in all sorts of cleaning products, but it’s been determined to be harmful to the environment. So they’ve taken it out.

Whether you’re happy or sad about such a thing being done, the problem remains. We’d still like to drink out of a glass that looks clean. It’s nice to use silverware that you don’t feel compelled to rub with your napkin before putting it in your mouth.

The basics of life, you know?

Enter vinegar. Again.

Vinegar does much the same thing as Jet Dry. Add some to the dishwasher, and you’ll notice a marked improvement in water spots, haze, and overall gunky look.

But how? Some people put it in the Jet Dry compartment and feel perfectly fine about things. But the Damsel has had less than spectacular results from that. The amount of vinegar released isn’t enough to deal with her problem. The Cottage has very hard water, and now no phosphorus. A whole cup of vinegar, however, does do the trick. Thankfully, the stuff is cheap.

The best time to add the vinegar is during the rinse cycle. If you can manage to remember to be right there, in the kitchen, at the appropriate moment, you can just open the dishwasher door and pour it right into the bottom of the dishwasher.

But. Rare is the time this has happened at the Damsel’s house. She can hardly remember her own name, let alone when the dishwasher is starting to rinse. You could run a separate rinse cycle after the regular cycle, but that seems wasteful.

An Old School student offered a suggestion, and the Damsel tested it a few times. She is happy to report that it WORKED GREAT. Simply set one of your glasses right side up in your top rack, instead of inverted like usual. Fill with a cup of vinegar and start the machine as you normally do. Over the course of the cycle, the vinegar gradually mixes with the water and does its thing.

The Damsel doesn’t know exactly how, but doing it this way seems to delay the vinegar’s dispersal enough that it works pretty much like adding it during the elusive rinse cycle.

You can do this even if you aren’t having a phosphate withdrawl problem. By doing the vinegar trick, you can skip putting Jet Dry in your dishwasher. Really.

No nasty phosphates AND clean dishes. Solved with a cheap, natural substance. Win/win.

The Damsel got this recipe from Christy Monson, a writing friend. (Contact info below) The Damsel would like to say that Christy is a tidy person with exceptionally clean clothes. In case you were wondering.

Gather:

1 bar Fels Naptha soap

1 Cup Washing Soda

1 Cup Borax

A kettle, a grater, a long spoon, a 5 gallon bucket

Grate the soap into a kettle. You’ll feel strange grating not-food, but press forward.  Little chunkies are okay.

Add 10 cups water and heat it until the soap melts.

Add washing soda and Borax. Stir until it is dissolved. Remove from the heat.

Go thou, and get the 5 gallon bucket. Pour six cups of hot water into the bucket, then the soap mixture, and stir. Now lug the thing to the Place Your Washing Machine Lives.

Add 2 gallons of water and stir. Let the soap sit for about 24 hours and it will gel.

Use 1/2 – 1 cup for each wash load. You’ll need to stir it before each use since it congeals. Don’t fear the gooberyness.

This laundry soap smells nice (“Clean” and “Soapy”) this way, but you can add 2 oz of essential oil to the soap if you want. Put the fragrance in after the mixture is completely cooled. The soap is low sudsing, so it should be safe for use in front loaders. Or even washboards.

Why in the world would you make your own laundry soap? Well, it’s cheap. $2-3.00 for each 5 gallon bucket, and that’s a lot of laundry soap. Plus, you know exactly what’s in it. No dyes, no perfumes except what you might add yourself. And you have the satisfaction of knowing how to do something yourself that’s actually pretty important.

You can find Christy Monson:
Every Saturday at Prophets in Person for unique stories about the lives of pioneer prophets.
Daily at Connections for a quick daily thought or scripture to keep your day positive and peaceful.
Every Monday at Paper and Parchment for tips and quirky insights into the life of a crazy writer.

Normally the Damsel utilizes a fairly liberal “live and let live” policy. But not when it comes to fruit flies. Fruit flies must die. Or take their party somewhere else.

There are several methods for human vs. fruit fly warfare. Most include some sort of bait. You see, fruit flies are attracted to sweet stuff, especially if it’s fermenting a bit. To do this the easy way,  you mix yourself up a little Cup of Death.

In a small bowl (like a little custard cup) mix a tablespoon each of vinegar (apple cider vinegar is extra tempting to the little creeps) and sugar. Stir to dissolve sugar. Add 3 tablespoons water, and 3 drops of dish soap. Don’t stir much at this point, because you don’t want it sudsy. Set it out. Wait.

Oh, and get rid of whatever brought the flies to begin with. Face it. those black bananas aren’t going to get used. (you could put them in the freezer, though, like you learned in This Post)

The flies will be attracted to the sweet vinegar. They’ll land on it, because that’s what they do. But the dish soap takes away the surface tension the liquid would normally have, so they drown. Bwahahahaha!

The Damsel’s crockpot insert is now completely, utterly, physically and emotionally encrusted with a deep layer of concrete food.

How can a person clean something like this without resorting to nasty oven cleaner or a jackhammer? How did Grandma do it in the old days?

The Damsel will show you, dear students, but you must be patient. This is not a process that allows immediate reuse of the pan. The upside is:  there shall be NO SCRUBBING.

Scrape any loose food out. In the Damsel’s case, this took only a few seconds because she did such a thorough job of burning this pan. Cover with hot water and add about a cup of vinegar. Set over low heat for at least 3 hours, or overnight.

Pour out the sludge. The Damsel was happy to see most all the burned-on food slide right out, with the exception of a few stubborn places. She restrained herself from chiseling at these spots, because this is a no-scrubbing experiment.

Dump some baking soda in the pan and add just enough water to make a thick paste. Spread on the stubborn spots with a generous hand. Put the lid on and try not to think about this pan for a “while.” A few hours. Maybe overnight again.

Next, the Damsel put a few cups of water in the pan and poured in another cupful or so of vinegar. Mostly because she knew it would fizz with the baking powder and that would be fun. Pretty much all the glued on food floated free. Whee! Then she washed it in her normal way with dishwashing liquid because she needed closure.

Two days later the pan is usable again. The Damsel supposes chiseling could have sped up the process, but she really wanted to see if it could be done sans elbow grease. Time consuming, perhaps, but easy…and old-schoolish, with no yucky chemicals.

The same method can be used with non-crockpot pans…just use your stovetop for the first step, on the lowest of the low settings. The Damsel has also heard of people repeating the steps if necessary.